The Mis-Adventures of Colon Cleansing

"You'll experience a ... productive bowel movement in the morning..."

Yep, those were the sales clerk's EXACT words before I purchased one of their natural cleansing products. I went this route as opposed to a store bought laxative in hopes of gently correcting inner plumbing problems... Yeeeeah...

The first step in this little cleansing ritual is called the Purifier and you take it a half hour before you eat dinner. Apparently it detoxifies my liver with an arsenal of Milk Thistle Seed Extract, something called Cracked-Wall Chlorella, and other stuff that I've suddenly been wondering if I should be taking by mouth.

Anyway, so liver has been detoxed. A half hour after I eat, I then gag down what the bottle calls Capture. This step requires every fiber type under the sun being jam packed into 8oz of water and chugged. (I liken it to drinking grit and can imagine it scrapping down the walls of my intestines)

The third and final step is Remove, and I take that before I go to bed. All of this promotes a mass exodus in the morning, sometimes, and more often than not, in two or more shifts. ...I guess the definition for "productive" has intensified since I last met it in a dictionary...