Mega Mini Muzingz

Movement Sensor Paper Towel Dispensers

You know what I'm talking about, right? Those paper towel dispensers that you have to wave your hand in front of for five to ten frickin' minutes before it even registers that you need a paper towel? And by the time you get done waving at the dang thing your hand is already dry and you've given yourself a little work out. So, just to be fair, you wash your hands again and give the other arm a go.

But those are the less stingy machines. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if manufactuers have implanted a tiny candid camera coupled with a sadistic humor into their dispensers. If these things could talk or think,I believe an encounter with victimus homo sapien would go something like this.

The camera that serves as an eyeball lazily comes into focus on the frustrated person waving it. I imagine there would be some sort of amused mechanical chuckle or maybe it's like those fancy GPS systems that have that sultry, seductive female voice. (WARNING TANGENT AHEAD) And what is with that? Do GPS dingbats believe that females don't drive? So, they just market to the male demographic? I object! If they have the audacity to insert the dulcet tones of a woman's voice into a GPS system I say they make a GPS geared toward the other half of the planet! I want a nice soothing voice with just a touch of an accent. But then that's opening a whole can of a different kind of adultery. Can you imagine? Husband and wife come in and admit, "Honey, I'm having an affair with my car." Uh, more than just slightly awkward and a good reason to not give machines creepy "come hither" voices.

Anyway, back to the paper towel dispenser of diabolical disposition. It's camera is fully focused and it's interest is definitely piqued by this bipedal creature waving at it frantically. Searching its small database it realizes, it should spit out a paper towel. But it'd been so long since it's had any entertainment...

"I'm sorry but this is a left handed functioning dispenser."

The woman gawks at if for a moment and then switches hands.

"But for right handed people the traditional Head, Shoulders,Knees and Toes is required."

She gives the dispenser a withering glare and makes sure no one else is in the bathroom. True to form, she delivers the dance.

"I'm sorry, a security code has been activated, please perform the Hokey Poky."

Incredulous, she almost challenges the stupidity of giving a paper towel dispenser a security code, but figures she's already done Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes so her dignity is in shreds anyway. She does the Hokey Poky and looks expectantly at the machine.

"...Could you do it to a hip hop remix?" It questions.

< Insert pregnant pause here as victimus homo-sapien processes she's been had >

Mt. Vesuvius belching would be less intimidating than the woman screaming at the dispenser on the wall. Security, at some point, came in and hauled her away. And the little paper towel dispenser went back into sleep mode, chuckling that some bipeds just didn't have a sense of humor.


Join us next time for The Haunting of the Kirkham!!!