In Which I Download My Mental Aggrivation

I feel as though Capt. Pickard (that would be Patrick Stewart on Star Trek) gave Time the order to jump into warp drive, while by some misconstruing on the part of the cosmos, I've been left to trudge through a primordial ooze consisting of molasses, honey, and hardening cement.

My emotional legs are tired and I'm really not sure I'm going anywhere. Or if I was, I've since forgotten.

Then I wonder, am I stressing over nothing? Am I just moving at the pace God has set for me and I just need to cool my heels?

I think I tend to frustrate people when I keep beating this dead horse, but it's like when you're six and you're sure the Boogie Man is in your closet already composing various uses for your spleen. Never mind his cousin, Mr. Scary Glowy Eyes, taking up floor space under your bed wondering whether or not your toes should be basted, broiled, or baked.

And there in the bed you shiver until the sun rises or you can't take the gory fate that your imagination has laid out for you any longer. You scream for mommy and/or brandish your flashlight of salvation that has somehow morphed into Luke Skywalker's light saber.

Unfortunately, my dawn hasn't come, I've mislaid my light saber, and my voice has grown hoarse. Even if I could yell, I'm not sure for whom or what I should be yelling. I don't know what question/s should come to my tongue. There's this feeling that I've missed something important, what's more terrifying to me, is that I have no idea what it is.

There's an underlying tone in my life that keeps pressing upon me to move faster, to hurry. Hurry up and graduate, hurry up and pay off your debt, (I'd LOVE to pay off my school loans, however, my job pays for groceries at the moment) hurry up and find a job, get a car, a husband and so on.

At what point in my life did I start measuring my success with what I have or don't have? Heck, what IS my definition of success for myself? Is it money? Is it becoming an amazing artist or writer? Those are nice bonuses, but what do I want to define me? When I die, what will people remember me for? Would I be turning in my grave at their memories or resting peacefully?

I'm my own worst critic. I'm also, to a degree, a perfectionist. Never a good combo.

I want to live a good fulfilling life. One where I've set goals and obtained them. One where I know what makes my neighbor frown, what makes him laugh. I want to know what motivates him and who his imaginary friend was as a kid.

I want to be better person than what I was yesterday. I want to see that I'm progressing and that my comfort zone is expanding rather than contracting. I want to do all the things on my bucket list. (Yes, I have a bucket list.) I want to have the capacity and the unwavering desire to humbly align my will with the Lord's.

I want to know and believe that I can do whatever hair brained dream or scheme I have in my head and then actually do it.

In short, I want to be better. And as of lately, I feel like I'm living off of the success of others, content to nod and smile in my own safe little corner of reality. Apart of me is starting to rebel, like a kicking and screaming two year old and I'm at a loss as what to do with the tantrum raging inside of myself. I'm shocked and somewhat pleased that the tantrum is even taking place. I think it's the brashness and backbone that I've been missing.

I'm so afraid of failing at whatever I have in front of me that I find it daunting to even take a first step and it's that screaming two year old inside of me that smacks me out of my fragile stupor. It reminds me that I have just as much a chance at success as anyone and that "failures are the finger posts on the way to acheivement." (C.S. Lewis)

“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure." -Leo F. Buscaglia

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." -Sven Goran Eriksson.

http://thinkexist.com/quotations/failure/ ( A link to go to whenever I'm afraid of failure.)


Alright, I think I've pretty much saturated this blog post with all of my anxiety. I feel better, now I just need to have a plan of action. I think I'll start with, I'm not allowed to enter my apartment until my homework is done or until after 8pm. It'll help keep me social as well as keep me from distractions that would deter me from completing necessary tasks. Also, I need to read, "Five Things a Millionaire Taught Me." or is it "Five Things I Learned From a Millionaire?" Either way it's sitting on my desk collecting dust and I need to read it.

Until my next semi-breakdown, Toodles!